Governor Newsom: Churches Can Only Sing If They Perform Black Anthem, Thank Me (SATIRE)

SACRAMENTO, CA—In a video live-streamed by Christianity Today, The Gospel Goalition, and the Northern California Assemblies of God, Governor Gavin Newsom announced that he is immediately granting all California Christians permission to begin singing once again, with only two simple requirements:

1) Every pastor must publicly thank Governor Newsom for his wisdom, humility and sacrificial leadership 

2) Each worship service must include a solemn rendition of The Black National Anthem

Newsom was overheard bragging that he got the idea from his buddy Ren Faqiang (who as Chinese Consul General co-reigns in northern California). Ren evidently sent him a TikTok video of a Chinese church re-opening after agreeing to sing the Communist National Anthem and praise dictator Xi Jinping for his tireless efforts in fighting the Virus-That-Did-Not-Come-From-Wuhan. 

“It turns out”, insisted Newsom, “that speaking well of your beloved leaders and singing the right propaganda actually lessons the risk of contracting the virus.”

“Indeed”, he continued, “experts agree that accepting these kinds of reasonable measures not only scares off the virus, but also greatly lowers the risk of other tragedies, like being sent to labor camps for thought crimes, or being arrested for cleaning up the streets.”

Coincidentally, The Babylon Bee, a trusted news source known for its ability to even predict the future, quoted one such expert in an article published on July 8:

“As soon as the coronavirus sees a Black Lives Matter banner, shirt, or protest sign, it immediately departs and looks for a nearby church to infect,” said Dr. Pander Chokrabong, an infectious disease expert.

UPDATE:

There have been two distinct responses among churches who have adopted Governor Newsom’s dictates…

One contemporary church reported convicted people crowding the altars, claiming that the Black Anthem included more biblical lyrics than anything they had sung in decades. In his obligatory “praise” of Governor Newsom, the pastor specifically thanked him “for not reading or listening to the words of the Black Anthem before issuing his decree”, otherwise they might still be singing the same three choruses over and over and over and over and over and over…

Another liberal church, however, was shocked to find that even the Black National Anthem was not free from “systemic racism”. The pastor denounced the last line of the second stanza, which says: “Where the white gleam of our bright star is cast”. This second church is planning to unite with local BLM leaders to protest the Governor, accusing him of unjustly forcing them to sing “white supremacist” songs. 

ADDENDUM:

Here are the actual lyrics to the hymn “Lift Up Your Voice And Sing“, aka, the Black National Anthem…